TO-WIT: LAW AT FIRST BITE
I didn’t think it was such a big deal. It was a simple contract case, one guy refused to pay another, the other guy hired me to kick some butt. I’ve tried a dozen just like it. In fact, this one was non-jury, and that made it simpler than most. As is our custom, my partner had prepared the case and I was trying it.
I was cross-examining the defendant and had backed him into a corner with the many inconsistencies of his testimony. Fed up with his patent equivocating, I went after him like a pit bull after a poodle.
“Tell me,” I inquired, “are you being intentionally evasive or are you just being dumb?”
There was a momentary silence and then the courtroom erupted. “I object,” shouted my adversary, “he’s being mean to the witness.” Yeah, I know, it was a pretty lame objection, but what else can you expect from a UCC specialist?
After court was over for the day, my partner and I repaired to the nearby coffeehouse to relax.
“That ‘being dumb’ remark, a little cruel, don’t you think?” she asked over her tea with milk.
“Thanks,” I said, “I do my best,” as I downed my hot black espresso in one gulp. After almost eight years together she’s finally learned to recognize sarcasm when she hears it, and she didn’t reply. But her silence on the matter spoke volumes.
Although it’s come up many times before, she and I have never agreed on this aspect of lawyering. She yearns for a profession of lollipops and ice cream while I lust more passionately for the rip and tear approach. That’s what I think clients pay us to do. I fervently believe that if clients could eviscerate their enemies on their own, they wouldn’t require our services. I mean, as far as I can tell, Attila had precious little need for legal representation.
While I am now generally regarded as pretty aggressive, I haven’t always been like this. As a kid I exhibited no such tendencies, at least certainly not after the first time my father beat the crap out of me. Oh sure, I kicked the occasional baby sitter and every so often I’d try to dismember a sibling, but otherwise I was a pretty normal kid.
It wasn’t until my very first jury trial that I began to discover my true self. It happened during my intense cross-examination of the opposing party. As the confrontation heated up, I got angrier and angrier. Then all of a sudden I snapped. I leapt over counsel’s table, headed right for the witness stand, stared right into the witness’ eyes and asked “Would you agree with me if I suggested you should be horse whipped?”
Before anyone could respond, I slashed again. “When did you stop beating your wife?” I said, and then, “When was the last time you molested a child?”
Of course these questions had nothing to do with the case, but it didn’t matter. They were vicious, and I liked asking them. The jury apparently liked it too, as at trial’s end they wasted no time in awarding my client a substantial verdict. They also awarded me a nomination for best supporting villain.
Afterwards I felt so liberated, and I found myself aching for confrontations the way Adam ached for an apple. Fortunately it seems that a vituperative soul is actually an attractive accoutrement for a lawyer. My innately litigious soul has found a happy home, and with it I have prospered.
Oh now, I know there are many colleagues out there who might find these views abhorrent. To them I say “pish tosh.” Clients want their knights errant to be violent, and
as a profession we would do well to acknowledge it, accept it, nurture it.
It’s a good thing for lawyers. Just look at what a wonderful thing it’s already been for professional wrestling and hockey as well.
I bet you, too, have the makings of a similarly wonderful despot. If not, you wouldn’t have become a lawyer. This is an adversarial profession, remember, and you’re the one who chose it.
Finally, you might wonder whether or not, with my scorched earth approach, I have any colleagues for friends. Well, the answer is yes, of course I do, good friends, long-time friends. They know me, and, as good friends do, they accept me as I am. Whenever we have cases together though, they come into the court- room wearing garlic. It has no effect on me, none at all, but it seems to give them comfort.
© 2004, S. Sponte, Esq.