TO-WIT: THE TIPPLING POINT
According to the latest report from the Institute For The Study Of Imbibing Professionals (“ISIP”), lawyers now lead all when it comes to the non-involuntary consumption of alcoholic beverages. It isn’t official yet, the proctologists have demanded a recount, but its looking good.
These results may be revelatory to some but they don’t surprise me at all. They also don’t surprise the many selfless colleagues who have done their part to garner this victory, mostly because their general state of consciousness quite regularly prevents them from being aware of anything at all.
Although I rarely drink alcohol myself, I have been interested in this subject for years. The practice of law, what with its adversarial nature and its almost incomprehensible array of sudden, treacherous, almost demonic twists and turns, has the inherent power to force one’s soul into a limousine of despair and drive it straight to drink. It is this maddening component of lawyering that, more than any other, explains why so many distilleries offer full law school scholarships as a vital component of their long term strategic planning.
The ISIP study further notes that while some yield to drink as a consequence of genetic predisposition and that others simply make it their avocation of choice, many colleagues turn to alcohol only because their already careworn psyches become exposed to some kind of straw/camelback moment, a tippling point if you will, that catalyzes them and sends them careening wildly over the crushed grape precipice.
In the practice of law there is no end to the kinds of stresses that trigger a descent into that black hole of psychic despair where there is no hope, no dreams or aspirations, no wonderfully graphic, full color sexual fantasies of Gwyneth Paltrow. It is a place where profound nothingness is compressed by gravity into a wretchedness of infinite weight. There is no escape, no way out, neither respite nor release, none, nada, gornischt, save in drink. Trust me, this is not a happy camp.
In an effort to understand more about this particular professional phenomenon, I called Dr. I. M. Tiesing, the study’s primary author. “What is the main reason lawyers have more problems with alcohol than other professionals,” I asked.
“They drink more of it,” he replied.
“Yes, I know,” I said, “but why?”
“Rage,” he said. “Instead of finding an acceptable outlet for their anger, they numb it with alcohol. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish my report on alcohol and stockbrokers. I call it ‘The Point of No Returns.’ Catchy, huh?”
Now when it comes to anger I know a thing or two. My world is wretchedly overrun with judges and opposing counsel who sometimes just can’t seem to grasp the innate correctness of my arguments. I would have long ago been swept away by endless tsunamis of rage had I not learned some techniques to manage it.
Hoping to save even one colleague from the false Siren of demon rum, I am going to share my secrets with you. When your professional life hits the skids, give them a try. If however I have a case with you now and if you’re already drinking, well, perhaps you ought not to try anything new just yet. In your condition, you don’t want to be rushing into anything precipitously, now do you?
1. Lollipops – In moderation, of no particular benefit. In huge quantities however, they lead to tooth decay which leads to Novocain which leads to blessed numbness. For maximum effect, bite hard.
2. Small dogs or cats – Long known for the ameliorative effects petting them has on the human psyche, they also serve admirably to assuage raging aggression when punted across the living room. Avoid larger breeds.
3. The Good Book – A reliable source of inspiration and reverence, it also functions well as a means of settling hash with an iniquitous world when flung through a plate glass window. When you need extra strength relief, try stained glass.
4. The computer/sledge hammer duology – As icons for all the knowledge in the world, computers make useful targets. As weapons of mass destruction that can be purchased locally, sledge hammers are ideal. Applying one to the other is immensely satisfying.
Now admittedly my techniques can be costly and if done right may require some dry cleaning. But you get what you pay for, and take it from me, its still a lot cheaper than therapy.
©2009, S. Sponte, Esq.