TO-WIT: BACK IN BLACK’S
From time to time my body reminds me that its absolute imperviousness to illness exists only in my mind. So I am now confined to home while I recover from both a nasty cold and its concomitant and far more demoralizing rip in my fantasy system.
With a modicum of time on my hands and having already had my daily fill of Mozart, I’ve once again turned to my trusty and well-thumbed copy of Black’s Law Dictionary. It’s a habit I first developed in law school to impress my professors. Even back then I was of the hope that nothing better conveys the false luster of intellect than an amplitudinous vocabulary.
There’s really no end to the variety of knowledge available in that faithful old tome, but in truth I found most of the actual definitions to be exceedingly obtuse. Thus what follows is admittedly laced with my interpretations. If I have strayed from complete historical and etymological accuracy now and again I’m nonetheless confident that I have captured the actual spirit in which these words or phrases were used. I hope you approve. I know Black would.
DELUSION – An irrational and incorrigible belief in the existence of the impossible, such as a plaintiff’s verdict in a medical malpractice case.
IN TERMINUS TERMINATIBUS – The length of time it takes for a jury to come back with a verdict.
JURY OF GOOD AND LAWFUL MEN – See Delusion, supra.
LEGATARY – A secretary with great gams.
DE RECTO PATENS – An adverse result in a patent case.
SPEEDY TRIAL – See Delusion, supra.
FILIUS NULLIUS – The first of the Roman judges to issue all of his decisions in written form. Also, Latin vernacular for “illegitimate child.”
According to legal scholars, the vernacular definition leapt into usage at the same time as the judge’s first opinion.
OUTSUCKEN MULTURES – An ancient Scottish term which originally had something to do with paying for the grinding of corn but which has become more notable as the phrase Scottish soldiers hollered at their English oppressors during battle.
SAEVITIA – In Roman law, grounds for divorce arising from any marital cohabitation which presents a spouse with the risk of bodily harm. The term derives from a notorious second century B.C. case in which Inexhaustibus Saevitia sought divorce from his wife, Scissoria.
CARROTED FUR – 1. Fur that has been treated with nitrate of mercury. 2. What’s left over after the warren explodes.
POSTERIORITY – An Old English term meaning the opposite of priority, it has as its derivation the medieval motions court custom of making the lawyers with the largest buttocks argue last.
UNGELD – In Saxon law, an outlaw. In Kentucky law, an extraordinary act of gluing.
FORCHEAPUM – Current pay scale for law school graduates.
IGNORANTIA – A rare subspecies of the Arachnida order Spideria Tarantulum, its bite immediately causes its victims to run for public office.
HOC LUNGER AD JUDICIA PROHIBITIO – Latin for “no spitting at the judge.”
© 2012, S. Sponte, Esq.