TO WIT: EDIFICE LEX, WING TWO
By S. Sponte, Esq.
Novell Picar, Esq.
Edifice Lex
One Lawyer’s Place
Sioux City, Iowa
Dear Novell:
How nice it was to hear from you again. I am sorry for not having kept in touch with you on a regular basis, but when the price of postage went up again, I figured the hell with it.
I trust that things are going well at Edifice Lex. I always knew that a lawyer’s hall of fame was the perfect thing to shore up our eroding professional image, and I take great pride in having been a moving force behind its establishment.
Do not be discouraged you did not reach your business projections for the first year of operation. I don’t think that three customers is all that bad, even if one of them was only asking directions to Des Moines. Lowering the price is not going to help. Admission is already free. You shouldn’t take this personally. If you truly enjoy being around a lot of happy, smiling faces, I can assure you that going into private practice won’t help you a whit.
In retrospect, perhaps Sioux City is not the ideal location. At the time, it seemed such a clever choice. But what do I know. One time I thought that a humorous article on women lawyers would be funny.
Your public relations effort, as far as I can tell, has been a huge success. It was very well thought out of you to get the motel owners to change his business name to “Superior Court.” I do think however that he ought to be a bit more judicious in his use of advertising. “Vacancies – for rent by day or term” creates an unsavory image.
I know that the town fathers want to cash in on the anticipated tourist boom, but I don’t like their approach. Changing the name of the public cemetery to “Wing Tip Hill” is not in good taste and is likely to attract only physicians.
Well, let’s get to the business at hand, shall we? You’ve asked me to submit my list of nominations to the committee for this year’s elections, and I am pleased to do so. Please remind the committee that, just like lawyers, they are toying with people’s lives here, and they should take their job quite seriously. There is nothing funny about this business, nothing funny at all.
HEINRICH S. TRANGE (Heiny) an old-world practitioner of new-world matrimonial law, he never quite adapted to no-fault divorce and its waiting period. In an effort to bring matters to a rapid conclusion, he advised his clients to beat the family dog repeatedly with an article of clothing belonging to the absent spouse and then request a meeting at home without the lawyers. Earned most of his reputation and wealth handling estates.
SHIRLEY UJEST first environmental lawyer west of the Youghiogheny River, she invented the class action in an effort to enjoin Indians from voiding into the navigable waters. The anniversary date of the adverse decision is to this day memorialized by the local chapter of the Daughters of the French and Indian War when they all assemble on the banks of river and go “Yuk.”
DIMITRIUS IOLTA Moolc, as he became known late in life, was a practical joker par excellence. He was known throughout his career for proposing zany schemes to annoy and harass his colleagues. He attained a personal zenith when his plan to compel lawyers to turn over to the Bar Association all the pocket change recovered from waiting room couches was adopted by several states. He was many times thereafter honored for his humanitarianism and on his death bed, he was heard to murmur, “I was only kidding.”
ARMAND FINGER a life-long advocate of deaf rights, he took to arguing all of his appellate cases in sign language, losing every one. He passed away before anyone could tell him that the justices had consistently mistaken his means of emphasis for an obscene gesture.
PETEY BARNUM a specialist in eminent domain, he mastered the use of demonstrative evidence to enhance his clients’ causes. His life-size courtroom re-enactment of the demolition by plastic explosives of the Widow Shaw’s shanty to make way for the Route 43 bypass remains permanently etched in the memories of all those present, and their heirs.
EUGENIA OREGON not a lawyer but rather a geneticist, she earned a place here by perfecting the technique of monoclonal reproduction of sole practitioners to alleviate the problem they encountered when obliged to be in more than one place at the same time. She might have been more appropriately honored by her own colleagues had not every one of the clones, presumably as a result of their highly selective and superior breeding, opted out of the profession in favor of whaling.
Well, that should give the committee plenty of food for thought. Please le me know if you require any more nominees. In this business, candidates abound.
Very truly yours,
S. Sponte, Esq.
© 1986, S. Sponte, Esq.