TO WIT: EDIFICE LEX
I have just recently returned, begotten with woe, from a seminar for the Education and Development of Professionals in the United States. One lecture, entitled “Professional Integrity and How to Create the Illusion”, had as its basic premise the notion that every profession must instill in the public feelings of integrity, confidence and trust if it is to attain a respectable level of prestige. Prestige, it seems, is necessary if the professional is to have free exercise of professional judgment and the concomitant ability to deliver the highest degree of professional service. It is also a precursor to charging the really big buck.
It is my firm belief, shared by other leading intellectuals, that, as lawyers, our prestige is adrift an ebbing tide because the public doesn’t quite understand what it is we do and why. For my part though, I cannot be but so critical of the public for failing to grasp what, from time to time, yet eludes me.
Uplifting by education is not the answer. Not long ago, a local bar association, in a noble but fruitless attempt, prevailed upon a local progressive school board to offer a bare bones legal survey course as an elective to high school students. No one enrolled until the board made the course a prerequisite for shop.
No, no, what we need to do, if we’re gonna sell the product, is to popularize the profession, offer it to the public at a level even it can understand. To do so, I propose we establish a lawyer’s hall of fame to canonize the folk heroes in our midst, and thereby create myths and idols for the masses to celebrate. Just look what the same ploy did for football and baseball, and what its absence die to badminton.
I would call it Edifice Lex, although in truth I cannot claim credit for the name. (It was my Mommy’s idea.) I have already located a perfect site in Sioux City, Iowa, and, since this is my idea, here is the list of the first inductees, along with a brief bio evidencing their merit. If this doesn’t work, I’ll be the first to pluck my eyes out.
J. LAWRENCE BAER (Fozzy) set the modern national record
for failing the bar exam 17 straight times. During his 18th attempt, the one which would have given him the world title had he succeeded at failing, he stood up and screamed “I haven’t got the foggiest idea what any of this means.” He was peremptorily certified as fit to practice and thereafter distinguished himself by earning a living.
HON. ARTHUR MODAL (Queasy) b. 1900 – d. 1971. An eminent
jurist, he astonished Bench and Bar alike by failing
to humiliate every lawyer who appeared in his courtroom between 1971 and 1978. Narrowly defeated in his posthumous bid for retention.
VINCENT MATREMONT (Vinny) divorce lawyer par excellence,
he specialized in divorces of the rich. Author of his own autobiography, “Never Say Do”, he was survived by his wife, 19 ex-wives, and an estate which included a very large and priceless collection of slightly used antimacassars.
GAMBINO M. SCHWARTZ (Racehorse) a flamboyant and passionate trial lawyer, he scaled the pinnacle of demonstrative
advocacy when, in defense of a recidivist woman nailer, he nailed his own hand into the jury box to demonstrate how little it really hurt. Citing ineffective counsel, he finally withdrew from the case when the appellate court sent it back to be retried for the third time.
CARMINE O. DeWALLA (Racehearse) a wrongful death
specialist, he set an as yet unequalled record by successfully handling 119 consecutive cases in which his client was dead. He was heading for 120 when, while out jogging, he rear-ended a hearse and was impaled upon his own briefcase.
WOLFGANG AMADEUS SCHIESSKOPF (Moss Heart) a legal prodigy,
he completed law school at the age of three months and soon determined that the practice of law was a spiritual art form, which, to flourish, must flow unimpeded by material considerations. Accordingly, and for the rest of his life, he never accepted a retained in front, nor did he ever request a continuance. He died of quincy at the age of six months and was buried in forma pauperis.
LULU GEHRIG (The I Won’t Iron Lady) Attorney of record
in 2130 straight cases during 14 consecutive trial terms, she was well on her way to unfettered litigiousness with acute conciliosis, a disease of the central legal system which compels its victims to settle. When she passed on, very old, very happy and very rich, her Bar Association established the LuLu Foundation in her memory to discover the cause of her disease and bottle it.
HON. VESUVIUS J. TREMAIN (Hot Lips) a fiery and persuasive
lawyer, he established the modern record for minimum
retainer - $10,000 to schedule an appointment, an additional $5,000 to ask questions. He was unsuccessful in his attempt to adapt his own special panache to the Bench following his election, and in his later years, he became a leading authority in matters of habeas corpus.
A.N.P. HYAH (Yossel) convinced that the traditional law
practice was outmoded, he established a chain of retail law shops throughout the country to teach customers to practice law for themselves. Recently honored by the National Association of Rainmakers for generating the most business for the general practitioner since the advent of do-it-yourself wills.
© 1982 – S. Sponte, Esq.