TO-WIT: DEAR CLIENTS
Dear Clients,
I trust this newsletter finds you well and happy-ish (happy- ish, because we can't have too much well being among my clients, now can we?), and that you and your loved ones thoroughly enjoyed your holidays.
I spent most of my holiday vacation doing some hard thinking, something I never seem to be able to do when I'm in the office. You see, this year just past was not as good as I would have liked, financially speaking, and so I've been thinking a lot about how to make the new year better, for m.e Apparently just being the best damn lawyer in the county doesn't cut it anymore.
A few days before Christmas, I got a mailing from a competitor law firm, and I use the term "competitor" here in its most generous sense. It was a client newsletter, chatty, breezy, upbeat, and yes, in case you're wondering, I was a client of theirs. That was probably why they included an update on the law of disorderly conduct.
True, it was a shameful ploy to garner favor and fees, but I figure if it works for them, it should work for me. So I decided to do a chatty, breezy, newsletter too. Yeah, yeah, I know, they thought of it first, but mine would be well written and informative. And whereas my competitor focused on updates in the law, I'm going to make mine more of a holiday family chat. My sister has been sending a family newsletter every year now since her second divorce and if she can make her humdrum march towards eternity sound interesting, surely I could make something noteworthy out of the tempestuous gyrations of a law practice.
So let's get down to it, shall we? I am somewhat pleased to report that this year only a few of my clients got caught, and then mostly on minor matters. In fact I didn't think I was going to make any money at all in my criminal practice until the FBI closed in on Abdul. Oh, thank God for Abdul, this was not a good year for him either. True, I had to share the fee with someone who knew something about both immigration and Fourth Amendment law but, hey, it was still half a cake. So what do you say we all give Abdul a big round of applause. Atta boy, Abdul, send me your new address.
Thanks also to Marge and Bill Quarhague. They finally decided to get that divorce they've longed for. I guess twenty five years of living hell was enough for both of them.
Now, as most of you know, I don't do divorces, haven't for years, but they've been good clients for a long time, thanks mostly to their kids, Grotessa and Schmuel, or, as he's known to his pals, Honky the Frog. They never could get along with the juvenile authorities.
So, even though I hate family law like the plague, how could I say no to them? Well, I mean, how could I say no to Bill, not after he just won the state lottery and all. Don't worry, I'm sure Marge will have no trouble finding someone else to represent her. And Marge, P.S., if you think you have any chance to glom onto Bill's good fortune as part of equitable distribution, well, I know all about your ten year affair. I mean, I ought to, it was with me, remember?
You all might be interested to know that I have signed up to take some continuing legal education courses this year, and trust me, its not just because the state supreme court says I have to. The first one, Defending The Tax Fraud Case, is scheduled for May, just in time for the start of Mike Terrehaute's trial.
Don't fret , Mike, I'll be ready. Have you wiped your computer hard drive clean like I told you.
And Rocco, you'll be pleased to know that there have been a few changes in the law about passing bad checks. I may be able to get you off this time. But you'll have to pay me in cash, I'm sure you understand.
There was an interesting case just recently decided by our state supreme court. It seems that the state does indeed have the power to prohibit nudity ni places where alcohol is being served. I know that comes as a big disappointment to many of you who still think the two complement each other oh so nicely, but Tommy and Buffy, at least you can rest easy. It doesn't apply to alcohol being served ni the home. You can still l have your "open house" parties, but do try and remember to draw your blinds next time.
And as an aside there, guys, try and learn the names of your guests before the revelry starts. No more name tags, huh?
As you already know , your homeown r 's policy doesn't cover tetanus.
And finally, since 9/11 , many of you have purchased guard dogs to protect your homes from illegal intruders. The law says you are responsible for your dog's known aggressive tendencies. But the truth is the only terrorists likely to illegally invade your house these days are our own government officials, seeing as they no longer need search warrants, and i f your dog b i t e s one of them, you could be held liable. If that happens, the only thing I can do to help you is applaud. Otherwise you're on your own.
It is my fondest hope for all of you that you will continue to prosper, to be happy and to have all of life's blessings. If you don't, well, you know where to find me. Until next year, I remain
Your humble and most obedient servant,
S. Sponte, Esq.
© 2012, S. Sponte, Esq.