TO WIT: THE HAUNTING
For many summers now, I have v o l u n t e e r e d two weeks of my time, for a modest fee, to serve as a counselor at law camp. Oh sure, there are mosquitoes, vermin and sometimes maggots to contend with, but its not that far removed from practicing law and it gives me a wonderful opportunity to mentor the young. I just love the way the campers hang on my every word, as if it were the gospel, and I love to fantasize about them getting elected to the bench as soon as possible.
Last summer, as I always do on the last night of camp, I gathered the kids around a campfire to tell them ghost stories. It's a welcome respite for them from the daily grind of memorizing fee agreements and trying to do percentages in their heads.
"Once upon a time," I began, "there was this wonderful, brave and handsome attorney who, although he was very smart and very experienced, still continued to practice family law."
"Uh oh," one of the campers moaned, "is this going to be another one of your horror stories, like being a judge or having to sit next to defense counsel at lunch?"
I went on. "One day he was representing a husband in a divorce action" - I could hear a shudder from the kids - "and he negotiated a settlement agreement which provided that if and when their young children needed braces, the husband, who was an orthodontist, would do the work. "
"Eminently fair," one of the campers offered, but I just shook my head. With such an impaired sense of judgment, the kid had no chance to ever be a family court judge.
"But the wicked wife," I continued, "took the kids to a different orthodontist and sent husband a bill for five thousand dollars. When husband refused to shell out, wife sued him in family court for money to pay the bill."
Oh, and with that the little cherubim began to snicker, as even they could smell an incipient butt kicking. They were right, they just had the wrong butt.
“His lawyer argued, of course, that husband had no obligation to pay, that wicked, wicked wife had breached the settlement agreement, and that both she and her wicked, wicked counsel should be shoved into a hot stove and cooked."
"What happened next , Uncle ______,” a camper exclaimed with eager anticipation. “
"That's what I want to know," I told them. "It was many years ago and I still can't figure it out. All's I know is that the court, without opinion, ordered husband to pay.”
There was this long, stunned silence. The campfire crackled and groaned into quietude and after a while one of the campers broke the stillness with a plaintive query.
"What happened to the husband and his wonderful, brave and handsome attorney?"
"The husband was so mad, he fired the wonderful, brave and handsome attorney and lived miserably ever after. As for the wonderful, brave and handsome attorney, well, that's when he quit practicing family law forever and ever."
"Oh," said one of the kids, "so this story has a happy ending after all?"
"Yes," I told her, " it does. Now before we go to bed, let's all do our forty percent
multiplication tables in our heads one last time."
©2009, S. Sponte, Esq.