TO-WIT: REALLY
By S. Sponte, Esq.
If there's one thing I've learned over the years I've spent lawyering, it's that clients are often tasteless, greedy and narcissistic. This explains, for instance, why to clients a matter of profound principle so frequently becomes a mater of raving capital at settlement time, and why the dearest and closest of siblings tear each other's throats out over probate. And now, thanks to the miracle of reality television, I've been oh, os pleased to discover that the rest, residue and remainder of humankind are apparently similarly encumbered.
It really doesn't surprise me that such reality shows as "So You Want To Marry A Millionaire" and "Joe Millionaire" are popular. I mean, come on, put sex, money and greed together in one package and you could sell welts to lepers.
But when it comes to such shows as "Escape From the Island of Gorgeous, Horny Women," I seriously question the whole concept of the phrase "reality." nI the first place, there is no "reality" that I'd ever find myself in that situation, and in the second place, if I ever did, trust me, I wouldn't be looking to escape anytime soon.
But taste, ethics and morality aside, the concept seems sound. Audiences are watching these reality shows in droves. In herds. In colonies. And I see here yet another opportunity for our profession to engage in some much needed image enhancement simply by getting on this ship before it starts to sink.
After all, who better knows the foibles of humankind than we do, huh? Greed, hate, jealousy, rage, promiscuity, lying, cheating, stealing —hey, we see it al every day, sometimes even before we leave the house. Put them all together and they spell reality show, you betcha.
So, in keeping with my lifelong ambition to better the profession at every turn, I have come up with a few of my own ideas for law-based reality shows. It can only help our cause, and for that reason I invite you to submit your own ideas. I especially look forward to input from the family law practitioners. For them this is a natural.
1. "I Don't" — A hilarious combination of "Divorce Court" and "Beat the Clock" in which the contestants vie to establish the absolute quickest time between "I now pronounce you husband and wife" and the granting of a divorce decree. Extra points awarded for spousal abuse, alienation of children, extramarital affairs, non-disclosure of marital assets and the passage of any recently acquired sexually transmitted disease between contestants.
2. "All Fall Down" - The slip-and-fall show in which contestants compete for prize money by strolling down the Walk of Pain, tossing themselves at the various holes, construction sites, icy patches, dirt mounds and puddles they encounter along the way. Prizes are awarded based on the success and frequency with which contestants break various bodily parts - femur, $2,500; fibula, $3,000, etc. — with bonuses for repeat injuries. But be careful. One defense verdict and you're immediately dragged of the set, whether you've healed or not, and you have to give back all the complimentary meds.
3. "Who's Your Daddy?" - A family law game show in which the participants compete to win a DNA paternity test so they can pay child support for 18 years. Production will have to wait until the producers can come up with a way to include female contestants.
4. "The Rear-Enders" - A raucous, noisy demolition derby show in which both rear- enders and rear-endees team up to cause as much vehicular damage and bodily injury to fellow team members in as short a time as possible. Winning teams share 65 percent of the damages, 60 percent if it goes to trial.
5. "Escape from Mandamus" - Something a bit on the more cerebral side, designed primarily to appeal to the typical PBS viewer. The show takes the mundane, an elected official who abuses his or her office, ignoring both law and the commonweal, and combines it with, get this, an outraged electorate tired of being flamboozled and finally willing to do something about it. Ratings should be spectacular, provided the show can get clearance from the Office of Homeland Criticism.
Well, there you have it, five sure winners in this new age of reality television. You know, it's at times like this that I really think I missed my true calling. The law is fun, sure, we al know that, but gee, I just bet I could make it big in the TV biz. I just bet I could be a rich, successful, television producer, if only I could figure out a way to shed these accursed mantles of taste, ethics and morality. And then of course there's that intellect thing I'd have to learn to ignore. Damn my luck.
©2003, S. Sponte, Esq.