TO WIT: THE SCORE
In the scheme of things. 20 years is not that long. especially when you think of it. as I do. in terms of wives. For me. that's only two. The trick is not to think of it in terms of pounds.
It also doesn't seem like long because I enjoy writing immensely. Oh. how I've relished regaling you with my wit and wisdom lo these many years. taking professional and literary chances only a courageous. anonymous writer would risk.
I've also changed a great deal over that time. When I first started writing. I was still a smooth-bottomed lawyer. In contrast. today I am a wizened one - yes. wizened. but I swear it's premature.
Just as I am not the same lawyer I was then. neither am I the same writer. The passage of time has made me better on both counts. and if there·s anything I've learned as a writing lawyer. it's that there are some things that should not ever see the dark of print.
Thus when my editor advised that this was going to be a 20th anniversary issue and asked me for something appropriate (actually his exact words were. "This time how about
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something of quality ). I didn't have to think too long. I had
the perfect topic in mind - the pieces I didn't write.
Oh. I started them. Some I even finished. All of them had titles. But usually in the middle. sometimes in the end. better judgment got hold of me by the neck. and I let them die aborning.
I think those decisions tell a lot of what I've learned. and on this. our 20th year together. I want to share some of those decisions with you. You can decide for yourself whether or not I made a good choice. If any of you are disappointed in this topic. well. look at it another way - this will probably be your only chance ever to judge anything at all.
"At the Dance"- A melancholy and insightful tale of a local magistrate and my certitude. born of years of failure in his court. that the fix was in. I am glad I abandoned the piece, for as it turns out from a confession he made to me several years after he retired. the fix wasn't in at all. He just couldn't stand me.
"The Grand Convergence" - A witty romp through my representation of a nude. make that an all-nude. bar owner. Well. I mean. the bar owner wasn ·t nude, just his female employees. I conducted a lot of on-site research for that piece. but eventually decided just to let it go. I mean. we ·re all professionab here. and who among us could possibly have any interest in hot. sweaty. naked women•)
"Up Yours, Judge" - One of my earliest efforts about the time I was appointed to do a juvenile case by the president judge. At the hearing. neither the victim nor the arresting officer showed up. However. the judge was not about to be deterred in his dash for justice merely on account of the absence of the only witnesses. and he found my client guilty anyway.
The prices that followed consisted entirely of a witty and biting diatribe. but in retrospect, I'm glad I never finished it. The judge ended up trying my first divorce.
"How Many Clients Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?" - So concerned was I by the agitation m; colleagues suffered over the lawyer joke boom of a few years back. 1 \\ rote a piece in which I suggested that. inasmuch as lawyer bashing was an inherent byproduct of our adversarial profession. colleagues would do well to give up the effort to stamp them out. concentrating instead on developing client-bashing jokes as the palliative of choice. I offered the folio\\ ing:
.. How can you tell when a client is lying·> He sign, a fee letter.''
--why do scientists use clients in laboratory research·> Because rats solve the maze too quickly:·
""What's the difference between a client lying dead in the middle of the road and skunk lying dead in the middle of the
..
road? The skunk will get a bigger verdict.
Yes. I know. the whole thing was in bad taste. sophomoric and unprofessional. and after amicable conversations with the editorial staff. I agreed that the article should not be published. I mean. making fun of clients. come on now. Without rapes. murders, divorces. embezzlements. bankruptcies. deaths and taxes. and the people who inhabit them. where would any of us be')
"The Unkindest Cut of All" - Of all the pieces I did not finish, this is the one I am most relieved about. A number of. years ago. a local judge got it in his head that the best way to deal with sex offenders was to remove their offending members. When he sentenced a convicted offender to jail and made a condition of any future parole his consent to castration. I had a literary field day. I showed the finished piece to a colleague. a good friend, and he found it wildly amusing. Then he tore it up.
""As long as he's a sitting judge. we have to keep this laugh to ourselves, he countenanced. and I agreed. Oh. the judge in question is long retired now. but the district attorney who prosecuted the case and was delightedly effusive about the sentence is now on the bench. So shhhh. This one has to be just between us old friend,.
And what of the next 20 years? Well. even though it is getting more and more difficult to come up with fresh material. I expect to be writing for a while yet. Thankfully we are engaged in a profession that has been churning out great material for eons. Humor is everywhere in what we do.
Sometimes you just have to look under rocks in order to find it. Not very dignified, yeah, I know, but isn't that where you also found some of your best clients?
2008, S. Sponte, Esq.