TO-WIT: BREACH OF CODE
Code of Civility Enforcement Officer
State Judicial Office Building
Harrisburg, Penna.
Dear Sir:
Your recent inquiry took me a bit by surprise. Heretofore I had not been aware that there even existed a formal Code of Civility for lawyers and judges.
And thank you for sending me a copy of the Code as well. I have now read i t in i t s entirety, but before I respond, point by point, to the issues you raise in your letter, let me say that I for one an ever so grateful to now have such a brilliant resource to assist me in my daily endeavors.
This is, after all, an adversarial business, and I am more adversarial than most. The tension and strife generated daily in the practice of law carries with it a concomitant urge to lash out at any tormentor. Its not just me, I think its part of human nature.
God knows I have always tried to treat my colleagues with a civility that sometimes borders on outright cordiality, however difficult or feigned the effort may be, but I also know that sometimes during the course of every single day that I have been
in practice for more than thirty years now, I have given in to temptation to abuse. I can do better, I know I can. Nonetheless, and I know that I speak for my entire species when I say this, please accept my apology for this inherent shortcoming.
Now then, let's get down to specifics, shall we. With regard to your Item One, yes, I did indeed refer to opposing counsel as a clown, and yes, it was quoted in the newspaper. And yes, I admit that when opposing counsel called me to protest, I did t e l l him I had been misquoted, that I had not called him a clown, but rather that I had called him a pathetic clown.
I make no attempt to justify my conduct. I understand i t makes no difference whether or not he deserved i t . I t was, well, rude, yes, and perhaps a tad insensitive. But honestly, his oral
argument was so amusing, I figured that "clown" just simply had to be the effect he was going for.
If it makes your committee feel any better, let me tell you that several weeks ago I wrote him a long and heartfelt letter of apology. I am enclosing a copy for your files. And now that I know about this Code thing, I will mail it to him first thing in the morning, deleting all references to his lineage, his I l and his law school class rank.
Regarding Item Two, once again I have to admit to my conduct. But I think if you had been there when His Honor called me a bonehead in front of my clients, you might be a little less judgmental.
In case you don't already know, let me tell you that it was a rear end collision case. If I had done some more discovery I might have known beforehand that there were several independent witnesses who saw my plaintiff leap from the driver's seat to the
passenger seat of his own car after rear ending the car in front of him.
Now how he thought he could explain the absence of a driver in his car is beyond me. And why I put his doctor on the stand when I knew that he would testify that the only injury my plaintiff sustained was a wicked black and blue mark on his buttocks incurred while trying to clear the gearshift knob, well, that was beyond me too.
But still, His Honor was way off base here. At least he could have waited until we were in chambers, like he normally does, before making with the gratuitous insults.
Perhaps in retrospect it was not such a good idea to retaliate by secreting a starter's pistol into his briefcase, and maybe it wasn't all that funny the next morning when he went through the metal detectors and was immediately pinioned to the ground by a security guard serving his first day on the job. Let me remind you though that it did get a hearty and appreciative laugh from many of the bar members who witnessed His Honor, duct tape securely fastened over his mouth, being led away in cuffs.
As for Item Three, okay, well, maybe that was in bad taste. I was certain that the witness who positively identified my client as the perpetrator had serious vision problems and I was also certain that as I stood in the rear of the courtroom she could never see how many fingers I was holding up.
When she got it right three times in a row, I admit I lost my composure, and it was just at that point in the trial transcript where I said "Now how many, you old biddy," that I made an inappropriate gesture. She got that one right too.
I trust that you now have all the information you have requested. I apologize profusely for my transgressions, and I assure you that I will cooperate in any way with the Committee on Civility to try and improve my behavior in such matters.
Very truly yours,
s. Sponte, Esa.
Okay, Pat, type it up and send it out. I hope this gets those bastards off my back.
(DICTATED BUT NOT READ)
© 2001, S. Sponte, Esq.