TO WIT: TERMS OF SURRENDER
It appears that another year is upon us, and protest though some of us may that we have yet to successfully conclude any of those that have already passed, well, here it is nonetheless and too bad.
Now in my time, I have halted the construction of various and sundry erections of mankind, I have brought elected officials to their knees, a position that some of them aspire to fully of their own accord, and I have participated in some of the really great affairs of men and women, all from a professional distance, mind you. Yet despite my sporadic effectiveness, I have had precious little luck trying to halt the progression of years, although it hasn’t been for lack of trying, I assure you.
As a stopgap measure, I write down and sign New Year’s Resolutions. I have done so ever since I began to practice law, the better by which to prevent the start of each new year from being struck unceremoniously from the rear by the year just behind it. It isn’t that I have any particular aversion to rear-end collisions, God forbid. Rather it is that, inasmuch as the years persist in flying recklessly past me without the slightest regard for my feelings in the matter, the very least I can do, until I figure out a better solution, is to give to their rush a sort of mini-pause. (There is a wonderful joke to be made here, but I haven’t the time.)
In this particular year, I am facing yet another in a long and growing longer list of chronological milestones, and for reasons of either sentimentality or terror, I felt obliged to review all the resolutions from my past. What I sought was solace, what I found was a trend.
It is not my intention to herein launch into any sort of philosophical discussion on the contents of those resolutions or the degree to which I have been successful in keeping them. That is and shall remain strictly a matter between me and my Maker, to the extent I have one. However, I thought what I ought to do is to set some of them down here. Having conducted this review, I am now in need of a catharsis, and what better way than to expose the soul.
What follow then are assorted resolutions from various stages of my career, the first year, the tenth year, and the most recent of my practice. Read them as you would an advance sheet. No, I take that back. We have been a kindred spirit for many years now, you and I, and if I am of a mind to bare all, the very least you can do is refrain from laughing.
YEAR ONE: I will fight injustice whenever and wherever I may find it, regardless of the fee involved or the client’s ability to pay.
YEAR TEN: I will write a strongly worded letter to my Congressman on professional letterhead protesting the budget cuts for neighborhood legal services.
LAST YEAR: I will fulfill my pro bono obligations this year by serving on the local bar’s committee to organize the annual Xmas Dance and Chanukah Golf Tournament.
ONE: I will treat all judges with courtesy and respect, no matter what.
TEN: I will not preface oral argument to court en banc by announcing “Now listen up, cause I’m only gonna say this once.”
LAST: I will inquire of my physician as to the possibility of having my lips sewn shut during trial.
ONE: I will treat all colleagues with courtesy and respect, no matter what.
TEN: I will never again mail back to opposing counsel his or her correspondence with my handwritten corrections for grammar, punctuation and spelling.
LAST: I will try harder this year to avoid all references to opposing counsel’s mother while within earshot of the jury.
ONE: I will never represent a landlord.
TEN: I will never be a landlord.
LAST: I will swap the apartment complex for another like-kind asset, thereby postponing capital gains and effectuating a step-up in basis.
ONE: I will return all telephone calls the same day.
TEN: I will return all telephone calls the same week.
LAST: I will insist that those clients who have some need to communicate with me shall do so by carrier pigeon.
ONE: When things get slow in the office, I shall put the time to good use by reading all the current advance sheets.
TEN: When things get slow in the office, I shall put the time to good use by reviewing the pension account investments.
LAST: When things get slow in the office, I shall put the time to good use by leaving it.
I sat down recently to do this year’s resolutions, finished them. By the time I could remember for sure what year this was, I had completely run out of warm milk. Perhaps one of you out there has found a better way than I to slow down the parade of years, and if so, I would take it kindly if you would get in touch with me. I would also take it kindly if you would hurry.
© 1985 – S. Sponte, Esq.