TO-WIT: SIT! STAY!
I could tell when I woke up that it was going to be a typical lawyer-type day. Call it professional intuition, call it clairvoyance, call it a virus, but I could tell. In a delusional effort to ward off the inevitable, I even had my car washed on the way to work. However, I no sooner pulled into my parking space than the birds began circling ominously overhead. Coffee was not ready in the office, as my secretary had a broken fingernail that took precedence, my 9:30 clients had cancelled their appointment for the sixth time in a row, and waiting for me on my desk was an acerbic pink telephone slip from a judge saying she’d just finished reading my brief and wanted to know if I was serious or merely trying to amuse. Yes, it was going to be a typical lawyer-type day.
Given the way things had started, what happened next should not have surprised me. I received a call from opposing counsel in a pending child support modification hearing telling me that his client, the ex-husband and moving party, had refused my request to exchange voluntarily any financial information before the hearing.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “My client is agreeable to whatever the support guidelines say. It’s possible we could avoid a hearing altogether.”
“I know,” he replied, “I told my client that, but he’s being very difficult and I can’t control him. I’m sorry, but what can I do?”
I exercised the better part of valor and did not point out that a lawyer can always control a recalcitrant client by refusing to undertake or continue the representation. It’s such an obvious solution that I am constantly amazed more colleagues haven’t stumbled upon it yet.
Now after twenty-five years at the bar, I have come to the conclusion that the words “I can’t control my client” are the worst words, just the worst words, a lawyer can hear. Oh, there are others that are troublesome, such as “You remember that title you did for me fifteen years ago?” and “I’m going to tell your wife about us,” but when it comes right down to it, there’s really no contest. Whenever I hear from opposing counsel that he or she cannot control the client, I know how the Pompeians must have felt when they heard the words “I think she’s gonna’ blow.”
Now as a rule, I don’t handle domestic cases anymore. However, this case is one I have had for a long time and it is the only such case I have left. The divorce part has long been over, but I keep involved with the remaining skirmishes in part because I like my client and in part because I truly dislike her ex-husband. Back in the days when I routinely handled such matters, I always welcomed the chance to appear in a divorce proceeding opposite a party I didn’t like. I am of the view that it was God’s way of rewarding me for all the pro bono stuff I did.
The principle reason I don’t do family law anymore is that it is far too often impossible to control the client, and such a situation is just too pernicious for all concerned. Control of the client is essential to the orderly flow of justice, especially if there’s a contingency fee involved.
I learned that lesson in my very first case. I represented the Plaintiff in an intersection accident and I had a settlement offer of $3500.00. My client however had it fixed in his head that he had sustained near-fatal soft tissue injuries for which he should be compensated accordingly, and against my advice he turned it down. A panel of my colleagues serving as Arbitrators found for the Defendant, a decision that, as far as I was concerned, rendered the first two syllables of their title superfluous. Nonetheless the insurance carrier still offered $3500.00 to avoid an appeal.
Again I pleaded with the client to accept, but again he refused. A jury found for the defendant as well, and my client blamed it all on me. In large part he was right. I didn’t have enough control. I couldn’t persuade him that the liability was “iffy,” and I couldn’t persuade him to accept a fair offer of settlement. I also couldn’t persuade him not to wear a dress at the trial.
In the years since, I have always insisted on maintaining control of all my cases, and I have developed a top ten list of techniques intended to do just that. My system is based on two equally fundamental concepts, respect and prevarication. Give it a try. I am certain that those of you who have difficulty maintaining control of the client will find this tack highly effective.
1. Impress the client with your importance by hanging up an autographed photograph of any recent American president except Nixon.
2. A professional mien is essential for inspiring confidence in the client. Don’t say “whoopee” when you collect your fee.
3. Avoid such phrases as “Well, I’ll be” and “Who’da thunk it.”
4. Refer to Justices of the U.S. Supreme Court by their first names, e.g., Bill, Sandy, Tony-Clarence.
5. Don’s let the client see how irked you are because your malpractice carrier put you in the assigned risk pool.
6. Prominently carry your cellular phone at all times, even if it doesn’t work.
7. Always refer to opposing counsel as “that dweeb.”
8. When scheduling appointments with clients, never say “Oh, I can see you any time at all next week.”
9. Don’t ever hold yourself out as an expert in any field unless you know a colleague who really is.
10. Tell your client that the reason you don’t have a law library is that it’s all inside your head.
In case any of you wonder why I am willing to share such invaluable trade secrets so openly with my colleagues, there’s really a simple explanation. The truth is if we ever end up on opposite sides of the same case, it is very much to my advantage if you can control your client. Then all I have to be concerned about is controlling you.
© 1995, S. Sponte, Esq.