TO-WIT: SALAD DAYS
Well, by now you’ve all had your little chuckle about the Cole slaw thing, but personally I don’t think it’s fair. Have a little heart, won’t you? I mean, if it had happened to you, you might not think it so funny.
In case any of you out there don’t know what I’m talking about, let me take this opportunity to tell you. It involves a colleague of mine who has practiced law almost as long as I have. Over the years, he’s established a reputation as a good, hardworking, fair lawyer, and he has for the most part enjoyed a respectable reputation in the community.
Unfortunately, all that has now been washed away in a torrent of Cole slaw. It seems that he had this auto accident case in which his client was claiming permanent and severe back injuries. It also seems that this client had an ex-husband who had videotaped her after the accident wrestling another woman in a huge vat of Cole slaw.
I’m not sure why she was wrestling another woman in a huge vat of Cole slaw, but I heard she was a finalist in this year’s Miss Delicatessen pageant and this little bit of performance art was intended as her homage to pastrami. In any event, there she was, scantily clad and kicking the cabbage out of her opponent.
Now one morning the ex woke up on the wrong side of an empty bed bent on vengeance. To that end, he turned the videotape over to defense counsel, after first having failed to negotiate a satisfactory deal with “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Defense counsel was mot appreciative and wasted no time in offering the videotape as conclusive evidence of the curative efficacy of side dishes.
Apparently unmoved by the rye humor of the situation, the jury wasted little time in finding for the defendant, and normally that would have been that. But the whole sordid affair somehow found its way into the media, and they had a field day with it. I seem to recall the phrases “long arm of the slaw,” and “she fought the slaw and the slaw won” as being just some of the taunts that appeared in print. Personally I can’t understand why any responsible journalist would resort to such obvious and pathetic banalities. I think the public would be far better served if reporters would only stick to the Cole, hard facts.
The thing about this that interests me is that it has received such wide spread coverage, when it is not such a singular occurrence. In truth but one thing is clear. Once client and lawyer take that first precarious step into the dark alley of litigation, the only thing to expect is the unexpected. Oh, sure, it might not always be Cole slaw, but it’s always something. For lawyers this is a universal truth, apparently not so for the public at large. If it were otherwise this case wouldn’t have generated nearly so much hoopla.
In my ongoing efforts to edify the lay populace, I have spent the last several weeks souring the professional annals looking for reported cases the better by which to make my point. I am pleased to bring you the following:
THROCKMORTON V. REBOZO 1 Pa. 1 (1790) The first reported case in the commonwealth, Plaintiff brought an action in hostelagium, claiming that as lord of the manor he was absolutely entitled to free room and board at Defendant’s inn. After protracted litigation which saw the case repeatedly go up and down the appellate ladder, Plaintiff prevailed, got his free room and board, and subsequently expired after ingesting some pretty foul Clams Oregano.
EFLEE V. BAYLEY 66 Fla. 666 (1924) Plaintiff, an attorney, brought this cause of action in assumpsit against his client, the Defendant, seeking counsel fees for successfully defending the client against charges of counterfeiting. “I can’t imagine why he’s suing me,” the client testified at trial, “I paid him in cash.”
LEWIS V. JAHN NZ. (1996) A case of first impression from New Zealand, Plaintiff, a bulimic anorexic, brought an action of respondeat superior against the city zookeeper, alleging he had been assaulted by a near-sighted Koala bear that had mistaken him for a bamboo shoot. His claim for traumatically induced koalaphobia was completely rejected by a jury after they were shown photographs of the Plaintiff with his wife.
STATE V. ANDRETTI, 374 Texas S. Ct 77 (1996) According to this memorandum opinion, Defendant’s counsel did a masterful job of getting an acquittal on charges of vehicular homicide. Immediately thereafter, while walking back to his office, the attorney was run over by an automobile being operated by his client.
Well, I think I made my point. Contrary to the popular notion that life as a lawyer is a Sunday drive in the country, it really is more akin to being involuntarily lashed to the roller coaster from Hell after a very large meal.
Speaking of meals, how about a moment of silence for my Cole slaw colleague? Unable to simply put the incident or its accompanying jibes behind him, he has been reduced to eating his pastrami with lettuce, tomato and mayo, and if that isn’t the gustatorial equivalent of a life sentence in Purgatory, I don’t know what is.
© 1996, S. Sponte, Esq.