TO-WIT: PATRIOT GAMES
You know, I used to think that when it came to the subject of legal humor, I pretty much had the market cornered. But I was wrong. Turns out I have very serious competition from our elected friends in Washington. I mean, come on now, only someone with an extraordinary sense of humor could dream up such a manifestly un-American piece of legislation and call it the Patriot Act.
It was not only a brilliant stroke of wit, it was at the same time completely disarming to its critics. Now I ask you, how could anyone lay claim to being an upright American citizen and oppose legislation entitled “The Patriot Act?” Its proponents acknowledge that, sure, it does away with such formerly American notions as probable cause, due process, reasonable search and seizure, and some significant aspects of the freedoms of speech, assembly and privacy, but, they suggest, the important thing to remember is that it protects our American way of life.
Wow, I am so jealous. On my best day, I could never have come up with such an adroit malapropism. And if that weren’t funny enough, our elected buddies then came up with “The Office of Homeland Security.” As monikers go, its one hell of an encore.
Congress must have recognized that in the aftermath of the tragedy of 9/11, we were sorely in need of some comic relief, and they gave it to us. Oh, the Administration could have taken the more obvious and warlike approach to the name, perhaps utilizing such tried and true words as “sword,” “hammer,” “vengeance,” and “death,” but that might have made folks more nervous. So instead our leaders wisely went for some ironic wit with the choice of “Homeland.” How cleverly it summons up just a demonic hint of “the Fatherland,”- you know, from that bastion of civil liberties, the Germany of Dubya Dubya II. I don’t know about you, but I for one feel ever so much better knowing that our leaders maintain their sense of humor in such trying times.
Rumor had it that Attorney General John Ashcroft was actually lobbying for the name “Fatherland Security,” but he was overruled by others who feared it might scare off the Jewish vote.
Now all of this has caused me to think. Surely this can’t be the first time in our nation’s history when we’ve been creative in the naming of our laws, when our elected officials have tried to soften the blow of controversial legislation by some slight of verb. And indeed, as my research quickly demonstrated, it is not. I have found a number of earlier examples of such legislation, and in my ongoing efforts to elucidate and inform my colleagues, I present them as follows:
The Stealing From The Poor Act - This was actually the first name given to what we now know as The Internal Revenue Act. Thinking that conservative lawmakers would never support legislation that took money from wealthy constituents, the Administration came up with this suggested name, and it received overwhelming support from the landed gentry. The rest is history, but it is worth noting that this same economic gambit has been utilized to similar effect by the present administration under the guise of tax reform. This time though they really meant it.
The Arresting The Frogs Act - Just after the turn of the nineteenth century, the United States was waging war against France. President Adams had grown weary of the personal criticism he was getting from his citizenry and wanted some legislation he could use to arrest anyone for criticizing him, his policies or any elected officials. In a wave of anti-Gallic sentiment, Congress passed it, and lots of newspaper editors, journalists, and just plain folk were jailed, including one enterprising restaurant operator who thought that “Adamsburgers” was a witty choice for the name of his signature dish of grilled road apples.
The Death To Commies Act – Struck apoplectic by a fear of Communism in the mid-1950’s, our Congress passed this piece of legislation to prevent those dirty commies from using the First Amendment to undermine our American way of life. Sure, people were arrested for their ideas, their thoughts, their words, their associations, and sure, lots of people went to jail as a result, but most of them were immigrant minorities, not real Americans, and everyone felt a lot better on account of it. Okay, so no plots were uncovered, no acts of treason foiled, but so what. You can’t blame a Congress for trying.
The Let Those Traitors Rot In Hell Act – This was the brainstorm of Lucifer duBois, Secretary of Domestic Happiness under President Lincoln. He convinced the President to suspend habeas corpus during the Civil War, and thereafter immediately connived to get his ex-wife’s lawyer arrested on a charge of treason. “Hey,” he said in his later years, “how could I concentrate on my job if I had to pay alimony, huh?”
Oh, I could go on. There was the Foreign Traitors Posing As Americans Act that sent Japanese Americans to concentration camps in California in the 1940’s, the Preservation of Heritage Of Native Americans that forced native Americans to reservations, and the Let Bygones Be Bygones Act that pardoned President Nixon for his Watergate transgressions, but you get the idea. Tough laws, cute names. It works every time.
You know, war is hell, be it enemy within or without, and if we can’t laugh about it from time to time, then shame on us. As for the pending Patriot Act II, I see an opportunity for me to once again lay claim to supremacy in the field of legal humor. I think we should call it the “Let’s Get All Of Our Citizens To Bend Over One More Time Act,” and so enamored am I of this notion that I intend to immediately suggest the same to my congressman. You will come and visit me on the weekends, now won’t you?
© 2003, S. Sponte, Esq.