TO-WIT: LAW FOR DUMMIES
It seems to be a growing trend of late for publishers to put out books that cater to the challenged in all of us. For instance, during my most recent trip to Barnes and Noble, I couldn’t help but notice the proliferation of such titles as “Ping-Pong for Aphasics,” “Double Entry Bookkeeping for Schizophrenics” and “Ethics for Real Estate Brokers.”
The forefather and unquestionably the prime example of this nouveau genre is “Windows For Dummies,” a book which adopts as its basic premise the notion that, when it comes to computers, most people are either dumb, intimidated or both. The title’s gentle chiding converts “dummy” from the vituperative to the palliative, thus endowing it with a kind of warm and fuzzy affection. The book has achieved resounding success, proving once again that ignorance cherishes nothing so much as company. This incidentally, also probably accounts for the popularity of NRA conventions.
The confession that might otherwise be inherent in the purchase of a book intended for idiots has now been made wink-wink comfortable, even trendy. After all, no one wants to stand in line at the cash register feeling all squirmy and embarrassed like a teenager trying to buy condoms. Personally I think it’s a marvelous merchandising ploy and will doubtless do wonders for the sale of “Monica’s Story.”
“Windows For Dummies” has been followed up by a mélange of other “dummies” books, including “Golf For Dummies,” “Neurosurgery For Dummies” and “Sex For Dummies,” among others. In our ever-evolving pop culture, dumbness now runs neck and neck with cleanliness in the rank of virtues.
Well, who am I to buck a trend, especially if there’s a buck in it? After practicing law for nearly thirty years, I fancy I know something about the vagaries of this ethereal profession. Since I have decided to share my knowledge with those colleagues whose lack of experience or intellectual capacity has heretofore left them clueless, I have opted to do so in the current fashion.
What follows then is an excerpt from my upcoming book, “Law For Dummies.” In dealing with various issues, I have assumed a complete lack of knowledge on the part of the reader. To some, this may seem a bit severe, perhaps even condescending. However I have always believed it better to err on the side of probability.
LAWYER – That’s you. You get paid for getting your clients the justice they know they should have had in the first instance without having to cough up your fee. See also Lawyer Jokes, Roots and Origins, supra.
CLIENT – There are two kinds to choose from – the kind who will tell you what to do and the kind you need to advise. Choose carefully.
JUDGE – there are three kinds – the kind who knows what he or she is doing, the kind who doesn’t and knows it and the kind who doesn’t and doesn’t know it. As between the first two it makes little difference. Otherwise duck.
JURY – Twelve people chosen primarily for their willingness to miss soap operas for a while.
COMPLAINT – How you start a lawsuit. Be concise, accurate and complete in your recitation of the facts. Obscenities have no place here. Save them for post trial motions.
ANSWER – What those lying bastards file in response to a complaint.
INTERROGATORIES – A discovery device primarily utilized by those firms that have them prepared by $300 an hour associates and reviewed by $600 an hour partners.
DEPOSITIONS – A discovery device that provides both the lawyer with a chance to seek truth in advance of trial and the witness with a chance to rehearse its evasion.
LETTERS ROGATORY – Who the hell knows?
TRIAL – Think arena. Think lions. You’re the Christian.
POST-TRIAL MOTIONS – The ascendancy of fantasy over history.
NEW TRIAL – The quark of law. Theoretically it exists but nobody has actually ever seen one.
SETTLEMENT – What you strive for in order to spare your clients the risks and rigors of trial. Also, what your clients strive for when their visa bill gets maxed out.
VERDICT – what your client is awarded when you file suit against a defendant with no assets.
JUSTICE – What you strive for when all hope of a good recovery is lost.
BRIEF – A document whose length is inversely proportional to the weight of the law it recites.
Well, that’s enough to get you started. If you have any further aspirations, like maybe running for the bench, I suggest you buy and read the whole book when it appears on the shelves of your neighborhood bookseller. And when you turn comes at the cash register don’t be surprised if the sales clerk gives you a sweet smile and says “Thank you, Your Honor.” That’s how we’re marketing it. The idea came to me remembering when I was a teenager and the clerk said “Here you go, stud.”
© 1999, S. Sponte, Esq.