TO WIT: IN THE EVENT OF BRIEFCASE
Though I now doubt appear to all the world as wonderfully witty, wise, incisive and urbane, in truth I have led a sheltered life. I went to a rural prep school as a young boy, a cloistered Ivy League college as a young man, and an idyllic and remote law school as a young dreamer, all in all, a lovely trek within the world'’ sanctum sanctorum. Therefore, it was quite a rude awakening for me, coming from such a protected background, to find myself cast adrift into a world filled with clients.
Inasmuch as clients can be so arbitrary, selfish, rude, insensitive and unappreciative, and even worse than that when awake, it should come as no surprise that, early on in my career, I had trouble. I didn’t even meet my first client until after law school, although I understand that one actually rushed my college fraternity the year before I did. He was blackballed however, and couldn’t get in. That I couldn’t make the adjustment was entirely the fault of my law school for I had graduated, you see, without the slightest hint that clients were in reality just like people.
It isn’t that I have difficulty with difficult people, for I am quite adept at the pithy phrase, the articulate though highly unoriginal gesture offering quick proof as to my displeasure, as every local judge can attest. Rather it is that I felt compelled to treat clients with the utmost courtesy and respect, regardless of race, creed, color or vile. As a professional, I believe such conduct tends to enhance the dignity of the profession and the already far too slim probability of being paid.
Only the most extraordinary lawyer can maintain, for any length of time, a practice based upon mutual disrespect. It requires either a stupendous reputation derived of unexcelled ability and a sibling on the Bench, or a huge independent income.
Crass though it may well be, clients are nonetheless fundamental to the building and maintenance of a successful practice, and for that reason, I have come to properly regard the lawyer-client relationship with the same reverence as the manna-heaven duology. The necessary inclusion of a fee for service clientele into t he overall equation makes a work product that produces food for more than just thought.
Though the pursuit of justice would be far more fun without them, clients are irretrievably along for the ride, and as much as I am able, I have come to terms with it. My transition has been aided in no small part by a set of guidelines I have developed over the years to aid me in dealing with clients. By strictly adhering to my own self-imposed rules, I have been able to separate the wheat from the shaft in such matters, and I offer them herewith to you, to do with as you see fit.
1. In the event a new client appears at your door carrying a
briefcase, tell him you cannot accept the case, you have leukemia. If you do not, you soon will wish you had, or did.
2. Avoid representing doctors like the plague, unless you defend medical malpractice cases. The volume of that business is far too great to turn down
3. If your new client says “It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing.”, refer the case to the colleague
you dislike the most.
4. Never accept a referral from the colleague you dislike
the most.
5. Take no case at the 12th hour unless it involves a
death sentence, and even then, only if it’s yours.
6. Represent no client with a third grade education. You
may have fooled the Bar Examiners, but you won’t fool
the client.
7. If you are afraid to abuse fee-paying clients, take
on a lot of pro bono cases.
8. Stay out of family disputes unless you are a matrimonial
specialist and already accustomed to being hated.
9. Do not undertake defamation cases for female plaintiffs
who insist on paying you with quarters.
10. If your plaintiff is a chronic complainer, do not expect
to settle the case. You can sell no whine before its time.
© 1983 – S. Sponte, Esq.