TO-WIT: ALL FALL DOWN
I am sitting at counsel’s table while Her Honor finishes up her initial remarks to the jury. When she concludes, I rise and approach the jury box. Not two minutes into my opening, Her Honor says, “Counselor, you may wish to take a short break to attend to your sartorial malfunction.”
Horrifyingly, it seems that both my trousers and my briefs have fallen to my ankles, leaving me fully exposed for all the veniremen to see; the venirewomen too. Now I will never get the female jurors to pay attention to the facts of this case. That’s when I wake up; that’s when I always wake up.
It’s the same dream I’ve been having for many years. It’s not always exactly the same, but it’s always mortifying. Yes, as in “mortify,” the root word of which means death. These dreams always jolt me awake to sweaty cold bullets, and always cause me to wonder what in the Lord’s name I was thinking when I abandoned my dream of becoming a proctologist in favor of this.
Deny it if you wish, but I know you have the same dream, or some variation of it. From the very first moment we step into a courtroom and find ourselves encircled by the fiercely independent fantasy systems of opposing counsel, judge, and jury we know or sense fear. It’s because adverse outcomes are often something we can neither control nor prevent, and, alas, it is simply not possible to endure any such defeat without feeling some sense of failure, a failure of performance or skill or worthiness, a subtle but very real chipping away of our essential sense of self. Welcome to the world of sweaty cold bullets.
This is the principal reason cited by mental health experts as to why so many lawyers turn to the palliative cocoon of drink, drugs and marital infidelity, all in addition, of course to the intrinsic fun factor of such endeavors. Dr. Seymour Hoozis is a noted expert on this subject, and in an effort to learn more about it, I made an appointment to see him. He greeted me with a hug. “Is your health insurance still the same,” he asked me. I told him that’s not why I was there this time. “I was wondering,” I asked him, “do other lawyers have the same nightmares I do?”
“Does a bear do doo-doo in the woods,” he replied.
What follows then is a brief compendium of a few dreams that he catalogued for me
THE AIRPLANE CRASH DREAM – You are a passenger in an airplane that suddenly nosedives towards the ground. The pilot hastily gets on the horn to thank you for choosing this airline. The plane then hits the ground and explodes, and when you regain consciousness, you realize you are the only survivor. Your joy at surviving this almost certainly negligent tragedy is short-lived, though when you realize no one is left alive to take one of your cards.
THE STATUTE OF LIMITATONS DREAM - You bolt upright in bed, terrified that the statute of limitations has passed on your big case. Still wearing your Spiderman pajamas, you are driving to the office at breakneck speed when you hit a cement truck broadside and are shuffled off this mortal coil eo instanter. The next morning your wife gets the news and weeps tears not of sorrow but of joy because your partner will settle the huge case and at long last, they can now marry.
THE DIRECTED VERDICT DREAM – After two weeks of trial, you rest your case and opposing counsel moves for a directed verdict. You know your case is airtight, but the judge doesn’t; when he grants the motion, opposing counsel laughs at you, the jury applauds, and the court reporter gestures at you obscenely. Your client leans over and asks who he should hire to sue you.
If you have ever had any one of these dreams, even two, don’t fret, you’re perfectly normal. If, however, you have had all three, well, what can I say? Dr. Hoozis is still accepting new patients.
©2022, S. Sponte, Esq.