TO-WIT: THE LINE-UP
Well, it’s that season again, the snow has turned to a kind of gray, moody mud, birds have started crapping on my car once more, and an entire passel of colleagues are lining up to capture the current vacancy on our local bench.
I think most lawyers contemplate running for judge at some point or another in their careers. At one time early on I thought about it too, but the notion passed as soon as the general anesthesia began to wear off.
It has for some time now been the tradition of our local bar publication to ask all judicial candidates to submit photos and a brief essay setting forth everything that marshals in favor of their election. It gives everyone an opportunity to learn a bit more about them and it affords the candidates their first meaningful opportunity to misconstrue facts.
Now I’ve known most of them for years, I know what makes them both tick and explode. Further, unlike almost all my colleagues, I have never feared repercussions from any judge, newly elected or otherwise. Emperors of the law they may well be, but the robes they don are still only new clothes.
So what follows is my effort at a more insightful appraisal of the candidates. I understand this may not ultimately influence your vote, but if you then feel really, really guilty for casting your vote based not on knowledge but on friendship, hope of future favorable treatment or the fulfillment of some deeply rooted sexual fantasy instead, that would be reward enough for me.
EVAN CHUILLY – This is Evan’s eighth shot at the bench, and the general consensus is that were he to be elected, a lot more shots might be fired at it. Except for his grasp of the law, he seems nice enough, but when some years back he argued that the summary dismissal of a complaint he had filed after the statute of limitations had passed was an infringement of his right to free speech he spilled what little was left of his intellectual beans.
SHIRLEY UJEST – It’s hard to tell whether Shirley is well-seasoned or just overcooked. She’s been practicing for twenty years, and although all of her experience is in mortgage foreclosure she is basing her campaign on the hackneyed “For The Children” strategy. Thus her billboards display images of her with infants, toddlers and youths, all in rags and looking dutifully woeful. It is a fetching photo but was actually taken when she went to a local foster group home to evict the kids and supervise a foreclosure she had initiated.
BESSIE MAE MUCHO – Bessie Mae has spent all of her ten years in practice doing estates and trusts. If she is elected, however, she will most likely be in criminal court where she has absolutely no experience. When first questioned about this by the press following the announcement of her candidacy, she acknowledged she knows nothing about this field of law but that since every defendant who appeared before her was already engulfed in a miserable life no mistake of hers could make their lives any more squalid.
DON ANDOUT – Don is the oldest of the candidates, and that he has never made money is a pretty good reflection of his professional acumen. When he jokes he’s had only one suit, he’s correctly commenting on both his legal career and his wardrobe. Don sees this as an opportunity for a huge raise in pay, but his “Please Folks, I Really Need The Money” ad campaign has failed to garner him much support. Neither have his two convictions for barroom brawls, incidents that Bessie May collegially attributes to the enthusiastic indiscretions of late life.
If you recognize any of them on the street, feel free to engage, none of them are believed to be armed. However, as you approach the ballot box, I urge caution; some of them could be extremely dangerous.
©2019, S. Sponte, Esq.